Modern dating apps feel a bit like playing a computer game. We swipe people like kids in a candy store, knowing that the repercussions are minor at best because in reality, you’ll never meet the person anyway. In the event that someone takes your fancy, you begin the courting game of shitty smalltalk followed by drinks at a trendy bar you found on Yelp. You tell the person that you go there all the time, even though you don’t… and pray for the moment when they get so drunk that you can both take each other home and have shameful sex. Once morning approaches, you have another awkward encounter and the level is completed, giving you experience points in the sack for the next session.
If you’re bored of the superficial swiping that more popular apps bring, there’s actually a bunch of weird fringe applications that take the whole thing into strange territory… and we tried them all out so you don’t have to. Here’s our tip picks of the most bizarre dating apps out there.
Tastebuds (iOS and Android)
Audiophiles rejoice as you can now find each other easier to make sweet, beautiful music together. Not as good as randomly seeing each other in a crowd at a gig, with your favourite band playing their slowest song, and spontaneously making out with each other. Incase that doesn’t ever happen we got Tastebuds.
The central theme of Tastebuds if you haven’t worked it out by now is music. You’re asked music central questions and you can send YouTube links to whoever you fancy, to get their attention (do not send I Wanna Sex You Up). The forward button deceivingly looks like a back button, it’s actually a dislike button and we’ve obviously been indoctrinated by Tinder. Starting off a conversation is incredibly easy due to common interest and the app will serenade you as you swipe. A well built app to help you serenade.
Sizzl (iOS only)
Probably one of the most niche dating apps on the list. Sizzl brings everyone together over their love of bacon. Yes you read right, bacon. It’s a real app created by meat production company Oscar Mayer. If that name rings a bell that means you remember your Simpsons. Sing it with me: “if I were an Oscar Meyer Weiner, everyone would be in love with meeeeeee.”
Sizzl uses that swipe left and right UI employed by almost every app available. Although it’s a bit sluggish. Instead of swiping you’ll be sizzling your potential match by holding down on the gristly heart icon. If you really desire them press down firmly for s crispy finish. It’s the bare basic of dating apps and sometimes simple just works. The charcoal black and flame colour scheme hasn’t got us craving bacon just yet, we’re still scouring for the subliminal marketing.
3ndr (iOS only)
Another one for you randy lot out there, the name might be quite hard to pronounce and cause some confusion. But there’s no confusing what this app is for. Create a profile for yourself or with your partner and start looking for like-minded people to indulge in some lust and gluttony. 3nder looks a lot like Tinder and even the bloody name sounds the same!
To help differentiate it employs swiping up, down, left, right. Users can state their sexual identity and connect through Facebook to help with the sign up process. No they know its an ap for naughty intentions so you can sign up to be a ‘majestic’ member to hide yourself from Facebook friends on 3nder, find out who liked you and somehow get more matches. It’s quite confusing talking to a profile with two people, chemistry is quite hard to conjure, not needed though when they just want a jousting. If you’re lucky.
Bristlr (iOS and Android)
Beards have become a massive cultural icon. No more are they reserved for old men, pervy men (the moustache is still theirs), dirty men and bearded female circus performers. You couldn’t move for beards nowadays in London, if we got a pound for every beard we saw, we wouldn’t need advertisers. Bristlr caters to pognophiles or in other words, beard lovers. If you’re a man who wants to find another man who loves beards as much as you do, Bristlr is just for you. Bristlr also caters for the ladies too, as ladies can also peruse over which fuzzy face they want to molest.
Bristlr has been out for over a year but it works like it’s still in beta, the general UI is really sluggish, not what we’re used to. Aside from the lag it does cater to fuzz lovers well, with a wee bit of patience you can find your Leonidas, or Gandalf depending on your taste.
Fuzzy Banter (iOS and Android)
What makes Fuzzy Banter standout from all the other dating apps is that it’s fully endorsed by Danny Dyer, who describes it “like Tinder. But with more bollocks and mystery ;).” More the former Danny, more the former. Fuzzy is in the name because it encourages you to fuzz your profile picture, only revealing it to whoever you match with. This is done to try and encourage people to like each other for the things that they have in common. So basically it’s like Tinder but allows you to look back on all the people you ‘nudged.’
It differs more from Tinder by being quite badly built. Swiping left or right is laggy with the touch interface being exceptionally poor. We had to be careful where we touched, if you touched accidentally touch too far left on the screen you could be discarding your dream girl.
Hot or Not (iOS, Android and Windows Phone)
Based on the website of the same name except now more evolved and still as shallow as you think. The site was launched fifteen years ago and was a massive inspiration to the creation of Facebook. Now using your best Facebook pics, you can scrutinise and be scrutinised with the Hot or Not app.
It works quite like a casual meet up site, you get the impression of it from the naughty looking layout. Hot or Not has taken a leaf out of Grindr by allowing you to see who’s nearby, further building the case that it’s a casual meet up app. Luckily you don’t have to pay to start talking to someone. What can appeal to some is you can see who glanced at your profile, if they’ve taken a nibble, why not reel them in? It does feel really shallow on this app, not one for everyone.
Sexy British Dating (iOS only)
We shudder so hard using this dating apps such as this. At least Hot or Not was subtle, Sexy British Dating is just in your face with it’s intention. Which is fine if done right, but this app gets nothing right at all. The appalling name is just a sign of things to come with this app. As soon as you open the app and state your sex and intention, you’re inundated with messages from random girls who will tell you “you’re the hottest guy here you know that?” “Are you believe in God?” Last but not least, my favourite and most riveting conversation starter “lol.”
It doesn’t take too long to figure out that no one is real on this abysmal app. If you’re a woman and worried about your pictures being taken and used for nefarious reasons, Sexy British Dating could be a good place to start investigating. The time we spent liking profiles on here is time we will never get back.